We'd been very lucky in conceiving both times. We decided we wanted to have a a baby, and I was pregnant that same month - easy peasy. When I was 11 weeks along with baby #2, I'd experienced an ultrasound with a strong heartbeat and a clear-as-day picture of our new little one. Then suddenly one day I got sick. I had a flu that completely knocked me out. I remember going to various doctors so sick I could hardly move, and my only question to them was 'Will the baby be okay?' They reassured me and sent me on my way. When I started to have some spotting, they reassured me and sent me on my way. When I started to experience some actual bleeding, we waited all night in the emergency room being told 'If you're miscarrying, there's nothing we can do'. In other words, just sit out there while your baby dies and maybe we'll help with the aftermath.
I never did see a doctor that night, nor did I miscarry. The bleeding slowed and I thought it might just be okay. I went to the doctor that next morning and had an ultrasound that showed a healthy heartbeat and a lovely, dancing baby. I will never forget. The next morning I woke to find the bleeding had started again so back to the hospital we went. This time I was admitted and the ER doctor did another ultrasound bedside. The baby was still healthy 'This is the best case scenario' he said. 'Okay, so what do I do now?' His answer? 'Hey, just go live your life!' Really? A little hard to do when you're bleeding all over the place fighting with all you have to hang on to your baby, knowing full well the choice isn't yours to make. That night- 4 am- I woke up with horrible cramps and bleeding like I'd never experienced. Screaming for my husband I panicked in the washroom while I tried desperately to fool myself into believing this wasn't really happening. I miscarried the baby at home, I know exactly when it happened. You just know. The ambulance took me to the hospital where I naturally completed miscarrying during the following hours and that was it. One minute I was 3 months pregnant and the next I was nothing. Gone- just like that. Anyone who thinks that a mother has not yet bonded with her child during those first months is completely and utterly incorrect. I cried everyday for months.
I went back to work a few days later where only my boss and a colleague knew the real reason I'd been away, to everyone else I'd just had the flu. The most traumatic event of my life had just occurred and I was 'Okay- just a bad case of the flu'. No sympathy, no bereavement, just 30% less pay for the 'sick days' I'd used up.
Devastated, we moved on with our lives, focusing on our daughter, trying casually to get pregnant again. 'If I can just be pregnant by the due date...' I would say to myself '...everything will be okay'. But month after month, sure I was pregnant, the universe failed me and I would find myself bitter, sad, and angry when it was not to be.
So here I am today on what was meant to be the birthday of our second born. 7 months of trying and failing, 7 months if obsessing, 7 months of keeping quiet. It's time to really move forward.
Tonight we took the crib out of our daughters room. The crib that was waiting for her sibling. She was so excited to turn on her twilight turtle and sleep in her big girl bed that has been waiting in her room for her since I found out I was pregnant all those months ago. As Rick and I sat there on her big girl bed reading her bedtime story, I looked around the crib-less room and realized how good it looked and how right it felt. I know in my heart that right now, exactly as we are is how we're meant to be. I have to stop trying to control the uncontrollable and learn to experience and love what is right now- in this moment. Whatever is meant to come will come.
So as I lay here now writing this with an ultrasound picture of the love that we lost on my right, and a blurry night vision view of the love of our lives on my left sleeping soundly in her big girl bed, I'm committed to moving forward and taking things as they come. This is a hard day for me, and that's okay. Tomorrow is a new day.